“How did I get on this road again?” The road of unfilled promises in love? As a matter of fact, why in the hell am I using the L-word because this was not supposed to happen. See, I was good for getting in where I fit in and definitely no strings attached, so if it didn’t work out, I was okay. But for real I was tired of being in that drained state, but this seemed to feel a little different than the others. How did all of this start? Well a person that I knew out of the blue reached out? Oh, hey, how are you? Never thinking that this person was interested. We ran in the same social circle and had mutual friends, so I never thought that this hey was any different than when I see you out. But, I knew that this was forbidden fruit! This was forbidden for so many reasons, and we even talked about it. Did I say we talked, and talked on the phone for hours about all sorts of things? Relationships, God, people, life, money, jobs, what we were both looking for. Oh, and did I say he puts the s in sexy, and he didn’t have to try.
Let’s talk about how I was set on the path of awakening. I can’t tell you that I genuinely ever knew what love was? I had been married twice, and in what I would call relationships, I can’t tell you that I knew or understood love. To understand love is to love one’s self, and I can tell you that I now know that I didn’t know how to do that. The home page shows my mother, who is my personal hero! But you have to realize that she was sixteen (16) years old growing up in the 1960’s so her mother’s philosophy of love was different. And when your papa was a rolling stone, well, the love that you could have received you end up looking for, and well, I guess that’s how I got here. So, she couldn’t show me what she never got, and cycles are vicious. I learned about love the way she did, which was bringing in where you fit it, and I guess you call that love. My father was a rolling stone as well. So, I was looking for love as well. For the sake of this blog, I will talk about this relationship, or should I say entanglement. Whatever you call it, I was caught up, but it was for different reasons. Being with this man was like being with myself, and this has never happened before, and if I didn’t know any better, he would be my twin just in a man’s body. Hmmm! I am a runner in the sense of relationship, but I didn’t want to run; I wanted to stay. I remember us having our very first big argument! Damn! Why! But I believe he needed to see that side of me. No! It wasn’t pretty. See, looking at him was the Universe’s way of showing me myself and vice versa.
I would have never realized or believed that this was the behavior that I was demonstrating unless I saw it. This is no disrespect because I have thanked him on many different occasions for coming into my life. Had he not, I would not have taken up the challenge that the Universe was asking of me, which was to awaken and transform, and you would not be reading this blog. I had asked the Universe so many times to send someone to love me. And the Universe did, it sent me myself. I realized that I could not love anyone if I did not love myself, and this was to include God. One of my favorite getaway’s has always been to my cousin’s house in Maryland, but I should know that every time I go there, it is to get a message.
When I use the word Universe, I am honestly telling you, God. The Universe is everything in our energy sphere or field. It is what we were created from. So, for those that are turned off or whatever, I don’t care what you believe in. If you worship the doorknobs, please keep serving the doorknobs. This is not about religion; it is about your spiritual awareness and awakening. I know who I praise, and it’s not up for debate or argument. Please take it somewhere else.
I will not tell you that this was easy. Yes, I saw some behaviors that after finally taking the challenge to transform and awaken that I realized I was demonstrating as well, and the pot can not call the kettle black. I remember sitting on the edge of my bed, mentally tired, heart hurt, and drained, just trying to find answers to so many questions that seemed to come up. The Universe had me look up “narcissist,” and I thought, damn, that’s what he is? And as I continued to read, the spirit said, I believe you have a lot of these characteristics! Damn! I was reminded that regardless of the other person, this was strictly about me. See transformation and awakening to your real state has nothing to do with others. It has all to do with how you take what you have and process it to most finitely and gain an understanding of it and how it pertains to you. Therefore helping you to realize who you are and why you do what you do. Taking a new knowledge and realizing that it either serves you or not. If it does, keep it, and if it doesn’t rid of it. Transformation is what they call shadow work, getting rid of the ego that thing that stands in the way of your actual reality. The real you!
The release of the ego or the shadow self brings such freedom in all aspects of your life. I never knew how much creativity that was in me. I always was a writer, but I never knew how strong my writing was. I make custom jewelry, Oils, butter, and so much more. When you are free, fear moves out of the way. And if you have anxiety, you work right through it and produce what is being birthed in you. I was created to guide and mentor others, now it is for a more significant cause, and the reason is you! You deserve to experience life the way that it was created for you. Your view was created differently for all of us because we are all unique beings being called to do some of the same things for the Universe and maybe some different things. I am here to assist you along your journey. To encourage, mentor, train, and best of all, to be transparent about what I’ve experienced so that you know and understand that you don’t have to be ashamed about anything that you have done in life. Everyone down here has done something. You make peace with you, and as my mother would say, “Never give anyone a stick to crack you in your own head with”! See, this prevents you from being ashamed. When you can tell your own story, your own faults, and experiences (I don’t believe in failures), then you have just gained control of that part of your life. Making peace releases guilt and shame. If you would have never gone through what you did, guess what? You wouldn’t be who you are.
Sending you light and love!